The Hardest Room

Why family is the final exam—and what I'm doing about it in May

The CPTSD Project is a year-long project in which I undertake a recommended method each month to lessen the effects of CPTSD (Complex PTSD). I check in weekly (sort of) to let you know how the project is going. And you can see if anything here might benefit you as well. Long-term personal goals like this one are difficult, but it’s easier knowing I have some community—and accountability.

I’m not asking for a subscription. What I would love more than adding another $5 charge to your automatic payments that you’ll want off in a year but never get around to deleting, is connection. Click the heart if this resonates. Share it with someone who needs it. Restack if you’re moved to. Just let me know this is landing somewhere with someone.

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Ten months in. I’ve journaled, I’ve stretched, I’ve om’d, I’ve stared at sunsets to feel awe. I’ve declined the wine. I have done Some Work, people. And honestly, I’m pretty pleased. Except for one thing…. I don’t like how my emotional regulation is worse with my own family than anyone else. Now, I don’t want to get anyone nervous here and imagine me as some green cruel monster once inside my home. I’m talking like once a month, I’ll do something (or usually say something) and think: “That was an overreaction.”

So, this is what I want to focus on for May. How to better manage the flare-ups with my family. But how?

Here’s what I’ve come to understand: every other focus this year (which has been 10 months now!) has been something I do alone. Journaling, meditation, somatic work… All internal, all on my own terms. This one is different. This one happens in real time, with real people, who are not following my healing schedule and do not care that I’ve been working on myself for ten months.

And for those of us with Complex PTSD, what looks like “overreacting” is frequently a trauma response in the form of hyperreactivity, emotional flashbacks, and nervous system dysregulation. It is not, and I repeat, not “just a bad habit”.

Which is both helpful and annoying, because I can’t unknow it, and I can’t always stop it either. With C-PTSD, especially when family of origin is where the trauma happened, close relationships can activate things that strangers and colleagues simply don’t. The people closest to us get under our skin in ways no one else can. That’s not a character flaw. That’s a nervous system doing its job—but just with outdated information.

For May, I want to share some of my favorite wildflowers of Texas.

The upside? All those solo practices over the last ten months have been building something. Body awareness from the somatic work. The ability to pause from meditation. A slightly less chaotic nervous system from skipping the wine. May is where I try a transfer into real life. Into the hardest room. The kitchen of my life, so to speak, with all the hopes of magazine gleam and all the reality of daily grime.

My specific goal this month is simple and measurable: I overreact at my family roughly once a month. I’d like that to be less. I’m not aiming for sainthood but a little more space between the feeling and the reaction.

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Here’s the plan, week by week:

Week 1: Notice (This past week)

This week I have just been paying attention. When do I get activated? What does it feel like in my body before I react? No fixing yet—just watching myself like a slightly judgmental nature documentary.

Week 2: Understand (Upcoming week)

Asking the harder question: is this a present-day annoyance, or a trauma response in a costume? Those require very different responses, and I’ve been treating them the same way for decades.

Week 3: Practice (May 17-23)

Actually trying the tools. Pausing before I respond. Taking a slow breath out. Leaving the room before I hit my limit rather than after. (I think this might work well for me.) Seeing what works and what feels like nonsense.

Week 4: Reflect (May 24-31)

What shifted? What didn’t? Where did I surprise myself, in either direction? What do I want to carry into the final month of this project? This will be an especially interesting week as both my mom and mother-in-law are coming to visit for my daughter’s eighth grade graduation. Talk about final test at the end of the semester….

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A Tool to Help

The tool I’m bringing in is The DBT Skills Workbook for PTSD by Kirby Reutter, which is a self-directed workbook that bridges DBT skills with trauma. Practical, skill-based, and specifically designed for the kind of emotional reactivity that comes with complex trauma.

I’ll be tracking what triggers me, what works, what absolutely does not work, and what I’m learning about the difference between a present-day annoyance and a trauma response wearing an annoyance costume.

It won’t all be pretty. But it’ll be honest.

The goal isn’t perfect emotional control. It’s understanding my nervous system better and being a little gentler with myself when it fires up.