We’re Doing Gratitude Wrong
And Our Brains Know It
The CPTSD Project is a year-long project in which I undertake a recommended method each month to help those with CPTSD (Complex PTSD) rewire the brain. I check in weekly to let you know how the project is going. And you can see if anything here might benefit you as well. Long-term personal goals like this one are difficult, but it’s easier knowing I have some support; so, clicking on that heart if you enjoyed the post means a lot to me and lets me know I’m not alone on this path.
It’s that time of year: way too much pumpkin spice—and now Thanksgiving is just a few days away, which means green bean casserole, political arguments—and ‘Be Thankful’ plastered on every paper product along with a cartoonish turkey who is unaware of its fate.
This brief focus on gratitude in American culture is one of the reasons I wanted to focus on it for this month. Although I love the Thanksgiving reminder about gratitude, it turns out most of us aren’t doing it effectively.
We’ve been told to make a gratitude list. Maybe you dutifully scribble “my family, my health, my job” in a journal every morning while your coffee gets cold. At noon every day, I pause and list out five things I’m grateful for that have happened so far that day. And that little practice is lovely. But is it really effective?
Turns out, not all gratitude practices are created equal, and the neuroscience nerds have figured out why some people get that warm-fuzzy brain boost while others are just going through the motions.
So, what are considered the wrong and right ways to gratitude according to this super helpful article in Psychology Today by Aditi Subramanium?
The Wrong Way: Gratitude Theater
Simply listing things you’re thankful for in your head? That’s what I’ve been doing every day. But according to “Gratitude and Neuroscience: How a Mason Jar Is Changing Lives,” the result is mixed. Better than nothing, for sure. But if it’s not specific enough, it’s not that effective. It’s like the participation trophy of wellness practices. Sure, I showed up, but my medial prefrontal cortex (the brain region that handles all the good emotional stuff) is barely paying attention.
Even worse? “Toxic gratitude”—using thankfulness to minimize your problems or shame yourself into staying stuck. You know the vibe: “I shouldn’t complain about my terrible job because at least I HAVE a job!” That’s not gratitude, friend. That’s emotional gaslighting with a gratitude-shaped hat on.
The Right Way: Get Specific, Get Story-Driven, Get Social
Here’s where it gets interesting. The most powerful gratitude practices involve either receiving “genuine gratitude from others or deeply empathize with someone else’s story of being helped”. Your brain lights up like the Griswolds’ house at Christmas when gratitude involves actual human connection and narrative.
Instead of “I’m grateful for my family” (yawn), try “I’m grateful that my daughter gave me an unprompted hug today.” See the difference? One’s a grocery list item. The other’s a moment you can feel.
Genuine gratitude means balancing appreciation with honesty about what’s actually going on in your life, not forcing toxic positivity while your house is metaphorically on fire.
The Mason Jar Method: It’s Not Just Pinterest-Core
The article describes the author and her daughter decorating a jar and dropping in daily gratitude notes. One day’s entry? “The funny monkey video we watched.” Not exactly Oprah-level profound, but here’s the reality of it: shared gratitude rituals like this actually strengthen neural pathways associated with empathy and resilience, especially in kids.
The secret sauce? It’s shared. It’s specific. It creates a reason to notice good things throughout the day because you know you’ll be reflecting on them later.
How Long Before Your Brain Gets the Memo?
One caveat to all of this that I keep reading is to not expect miracles after a three-day Instagram challenge. Research shows you need about a month of sustained practice before you see meaningful benefits.
So yeah, grab a jar (or don’t—rebel against the mason jar industrial complex if you want). Just remember: gratitude that actually works involves story, specificity, and social connection. Your brain doesn’t want a quick, bulleted list. It wants the funny monkey video, the unprompted hug, the moment that made you feel something real. And if possible, share this with others.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go share with my mom something I’m grateful for, which is that she made me a tray of stuffing to eat before Thanksgiving. Why wait until Thursday for the best side dish of the holiday?
WORK CITED
“Gratitude and Neuroscience: How a Mason Jar Is Changing Lives” by Aditi Subramaniam, Ph.D. published March 2025 online in Pychology Today.